Growing this Ramadan

I’ve been feeling uneasy while doing namaz over the past few days. My fingers have been fidgety, my words slurred, my breathing pattern quick and short and my mind unable to focus. I’ve found myself pausing in the middle, taking a deep breath and trying to focus on praying.  Trying to be mindful of the namaz I’m practicing and the spirituality I’m trying to gain from it.

While this pausing technique has definitely helped in the moment, I’ve been wondering why praying has been so difficult for me. Is it the guilt I feel because I normally don’t pray five times a day? Ramadan is definitely a good influencer. Is it the anxiety I have about getting a job? Is it the anger I feel because I’m not where I want to be because of an injury?

After a lot of self-reflection, I’ve discovered that anger is the reason for a lot of my uneasiness lately. Anger, stemming from me victimizing myself and convincing myself that I didn’t deserve to get injured, is the reason I haven’t been praying as much as I did in the past. This anger has made me lose sight of gratitude for all the things I still have and an appreciation of God for giving them to me.

Truth is, this injury may have been one of the best things to ever happen to me. Don’t get me wrong, the physical consequences have been the worst. But the opportunities for emotional growth as been eye opening.

I’ve grown so much as a person post injury. I’m actually prouder and happier with the person I am now than I was before the injury. I’ve learned how amazing and supportive my parents, siblings and friends are. I’ve discovered a new career path, which actually seems like a really good fit for me. And I’ve met and reconnected with people that I wouldn’t have if I were still on the same path as I was pre injury. One of these new, wonderful people actually helped me realize all of this gratitude, and how I’ve been ignoring it by labeling myself a victim.

A label that I hate and no longer want associated with myself.

To get rid of it, I need to learn how to change my anger into patience. I know my life has changed, but I’m honestly grateful for many of the changes. I just need to be ok with knowing that I will not have everything I want right away. I need to learn to be patient for all the other changes that are coming, including me getting a job I love soon, and continuing to recover and grow. I have consistently advocated for patience to family, friends and clients. But, I have never been good at being patient with myself. This is the growth I need to focus on this Ramadan.

Just in the first few days of this month, I have learned how much gratitude I have for my loved ones and my new path. Now, I need to focus on how to show it. For my family, by being more appreciative. For God, by learning how to be more mindful when I’m praying by focusing on being calm, peaceful, breathing consciously and speaking slowly.

I’m so excited for the rest of Ramadan and all of the growth I’m going to experience.

I’m not a victim. I’m one of the lucky ones.