Conversations we need to have before we get married

After a few arguments with my fiancé – hi Karim – about wedding details, I came face to face with an uncomfortable question: what am I prioritizing my focus on lately? 

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been so focused on wedding planning that I’ve overlooked marriage planning. 

My wedding will last a weekend. My marriage? I need that to last forever (iA). 

So why am I solely focusing on something temporary? Yes, it’s expected to be excited about the day that symbolizes me spending the rest of my life with Karim, but how important will wedding details be the day after our wedding? How will what photographer we booked, or the menu we served, or even the flavor of cake prepare us for marriage? 

 What conversations should I really be focusing these precious engaged months on? How many adjustments will I have to make with this person? How much will we have to compromise? What things will I fight for? What am I willing to concede on? How will we live happily together? Ahhhh, all of this seems so overwhelming. 

How did I combat that feeling of overwhelmingness? Research. After going through all my marriage and family textbooks, and analyzing marriages that I am witness to, I compiled a list of conversations that I believe to be necessary before getting married. 

As uncomfortable as these conversations may initially sound, they are essential for successful relationships because they help us set up the important rules or expectations for the relationship. If I’ve learned anything from studying psychology for years, it’s that people are more likely to live up to expectations – if there are no expectations set, people are more likely to fall off.

I’m sharing this list with you so that we can all be better prepared for our futures. I know it’s hard to talk about certain things – it’s scary to be vulnerable. Honestly though, if you can’t be vulnerable with the person you’re going to marry, then who can you truly be vulnerable with?

Let’s be brave together and check this list off one by one! I listed some topics, a few questions for each topic, and some tips for the conversation. (If I missed something, please comment it in!)

Financial issues

• His and her accounts vs. our account

• Equality based on percentage of income vs. $ amount

• One person budgets vs. other person who just assumes it will work out

• Person who spends more money vs. person who spends less

• Who pays for what for children?

• Rent vs. purchase home

• Who pays what bills?

How children are raised

• Medical/Personal Beliefs

  • Circumcisions

  • Vaccinations

• Discipline

  • How will we decide to discipline our kids together?

    • It’s important not to get sucked into the argument with the child (parents get too hung up on the argument

    • Don’t let child distract from the issue

  • How will we react if our child combats our decisions?

  • What if one of us makes a decision the other doesn’t like?

    • Don’t argue in front of the child

    • In the moment – go with what your partner is saying and then talk about it afterwards and come up with a plan for next time

• Religion

  • How will this be implemented into our relationship and family?

  • How could our extended families impact how our family practices religion

• Education

  • Private vs. public vs. homeschool?

  • How will we both pay for the children’s education?

  • How will we save money for higher education?

• Cultural differences

  • How do we pass along our culture or not?

  • Which culture do we emphasize?

  • Implications for: discipline, education, religion, etc.

• Grandparents/In-Laws/Aunts/Uncles/Extended Family

  • What happens when they give unsolicited advice about how we raise our children?

  • Free childcare? (I love this one lol)

Meals

• Who is cooking?

• What will we eat?

  • Halal vs. non-halal

  • Vegetarian vs. non-vegetarian

Time spent together

• What do each of us need from the other in the relationship?

  • Expectations of affection, intimacy, and time spent together

• How much time together is good for the both of us?

• What are our levels of neediness?

  • Dealing with what issues have led to this

  • Have trouble dealing with partner’s needs and only focusing on their own

  • Important to figure out what’s going on internally and working together to find the best solution

Friend time

• How much time will we spend with friends?

  • Separately?

  • Together?

• What does our support system look like?

• What sorts of activities will make the other partner uncomfortable?

Medical & Health Care

• What are the financial implications?

• How will we care for people who get sick?

  • Each other

  • Children

  • Other family members

• How will we care for our parents as they get older?

• How will we approach our mental health needs?

  • Open communication

  • Emotional scars

  • Trauma

  • Access to resources

  • Cost of resources

Family Gatherings and Holidays

• Where are we going to go for which holiday?

Vacations

• Financial implications – what can we afford?

• What are the differences in what we both want to do when we travel?

• Can we get the same time off?

• Do we have to make sure we don’t offend someone by not visiting them during this trip?

Substance Use/Substance Abuse

• Does this show up in our relationship?

• Does it affect just one of us or both of us?

• Financial issues – are we more likely to spend significant amounts of money on the substance in question?

• How will this affect our children?

Family dynamics

• How will we deal with the In-laws?

  • One person didn’t grow up with them, but one person did

  • One person has a pattern with these people, but the other person doesn’t

  • Critiquing can be difficult to hear

  • How do we deal with their unsolicited advice?

• What are our personality styles?

  • Introvert vs extrovert

• How do we manage spending more time with one family vs. the other?